Relationships and Sex, our Facebook Q and A with Haya Kalechman Relationship Expert Coaching
Janey: First one to come into me via email from a female,
V says I got divorced from my husband after 33 years, mainly due to our drinking- in our youth it was fun but got out of hand.
After 3 years we have got back, on the understanding it would be different. Am not drinking however my partner is, a lot. I have tried to talk to him but now he does it secretly and he’s decided to retire so is drinking into the daytime, too.
My question is what do now? I want this to work but his drinking is getting me down , things are great when he’s not.
Janey : Hope thats not too tricky to start with Haya!
Haya Kalechman Relationship Expert Coaching: Dear V., oh I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a tricky situation!! This is a tough question to answer. As you know, you only have control over and are responsible for your own actions – well done for being sober and keeping at it!
If your partner wants to keep on drinking, he will. It sounds as if he is not able to let go of the booze at the moment. HE is the one who needs to decide to seek and ask for help – for himself (nor for you, nor for the relationship). It’s ok for you to offer support but there is only so much you can do.
Your partner has to do the hard work. YOU are the one who will have to decide what kind of relationship – and what kind of partner – you want and make a choice accordingly. It is far from easy. But you have quit drinking: you ARE a strong woman who values herself and her life.
In the meantime, please find ways to take care of yourself. Bless, Haya.
Janey Lee Grace: Haya Kalechman can be so tricky can’t it, but ultimately you’re right we have to focus on ourselves
Haya Kalechman: It’s actually a great start! Many people find themselves in that situation at some point of their relationship and it’s always a tough one to navigate. Both partners need support; Probably a different kind of support but still support is needed to go through this and both must be willing to ask for it and to accept it. It’s scary!! If you focus on your partner, you end up losing yourself completely in the process. It doesn’t benefit anybody. Still tough though… and especially for women as we have been brought up to be “selfless”. WE must learn to become “selffull”!
Janey Lee Grace: Another one anonymous this time….from a female who says. I’m in the early stages of the menopause (I think) and have been sober for almost a year, I have zero libido even though I love my partner, he is patient but I am worried about this, it doesn’t feel like a benefit of being sober!
Haya Kalechman: Dear Early Pauser, well done on being sober for almost a year!! You have been going through TWO major changes in those past 12 month: peri-menopause AND sobriety! Both require a complete makeover of your sex life and your life in general. I am happy to read that your partner is loving and patient. I invite you both to talk about this as often as possible so that you don’t have to carry this worry on your own. Also, please know that there is no shame in this – this is actually completely normal. Menopause and sobriety offer the both of you with an opportunity to re-create your love making. This will require a lot of patience and “detective work” from your part too. Start with what you DO like: Stroking? Cuddling? Massage? Anything sensual that relaxes you, keeps your mind off of “having sex” and gets your juice flowing. Focus on intimacy ie being deeply CONNECTED rather than on “sex”. Do also research herb supplements that can help with low libido: maca, wild yam, horny goat (yes, for real!!), tribulus. Get in touch with me and I’ll give you more info 🙂 In the meantime, keep close to your man: you both need it. Bless, Haya.
Janey Lee Grace yet another anonymous one, me thinks they are all hiding Haya! Another gal says… I get frustrated when my husband always wants to go out to pubs and bars, he knows this is boring for me now I am trying not to drink, he doesn’t have any other interests and I’m worried we will drift apart but how long can I nurse a soft drink for!
Haya Kalechman ; Dear Soft Drink Nurse, at the beginning, if you feel you might be tempted into having a drink, I suggest you don’t go with him. You could invite him to do something else with you: cinema, a walk, go to a sober meeting: what do YOU like to do? Shift the focus onto yourself instead of him! When/if you do feel comfortable to go the pub, have a variety of soft drinks; make a point in choosing something different each time. Explore, be creative, and find interest and pleasure in DIFFERENT THINGS now that you’ve decided to quit the booze. You will both have to redefine your relationship. When SOMETHING changes EVERYTHING changes. This is time to create a new marriage – together! In the meantime, hang on: you’re on the right path here! Bless, Haya.
Janey Lee Grace Once you’ve answered the above from J, Haya we will finish it up thanks SO much, I think the answers will prove useful to people later, I will post this as a ‘doc’ in the sober club along with the pdf you’ve kindly created for us. Thanks for your time.
Haya’s top tips
7 Relational Tips when you Quit Boozing
- Surround yourself with people you feel safe with
- Give yourself permission to accept all your emotions
- Be honest with yourself and open with others
- Give yourself permission to accept your limitations and make them clear to others
- Be kind to yourself and ask for kindness from others
- Have a daily practice (physical, spiritual or natural)
- Seek the support that is best suited for you AND your loved ones