A story in the Daily Mail has really got me thinking It was a piece by Serena Palmer as told to Deborah Cicurel
The lead line is, “What makes someone an alcoholic?”
I felt a deep respect for Serena’s honesty and courage. She shares a vivid account of living what looked like a successful, stable life while privately struggling with drinking that had become frightening and unmanageable. Her story is important, and her willingness to speak openly will undoubtedly help many people feel less alone.
She describes how her outwardly ordered life – “Dinner was always on the table. The laundry was always done.”– made it hard for her to recognise the seriousness of her situation. She also writes about the moment everything changed: waking up in a police cell with no memory of how she got there. That experience became the turning point that led her to rehab, recovery, and eventually to helping others.
Her journey is real, valid, and deeply moving. And yet, as someone who works with people who want to change their relationship with alcohol long before they reach a crisis point, I think it’s equally important to widen the conversation, to inspire the hidden majority – the ‘Grey Area Drinkers’ to recognise that yes – this applies to them – and no – they don’t have to identify as an ‘Alcoholic’
The Language We Use Matters
The author lists seven signs of what she calls “functioning alcoholism,” including:
- thinking about drinking often
- lying about how much you drink
- changing plans to accommodate drinking
- using alcohol to cope with stress
- feeling embarrassed about drinking habits
- being told you’re a “bad drinker”
- Googling “Am I an alcoholic?”
These are powerful indicators that someone’s relationship with alcohol isn’t working for them. But for many people, these signs don’t necessarily mean they have an addiction or a clinical dependency. They can also describe what is increasingly known as ‘grey‑area drinking’ or ‘middle lane drinking – a place where alcohol is causing distress, confusion, or regret, but where a person is still functioning, still capable of stopping, and still able to change course without needing medical treatment or formal rehab. In my TEDx talk Sobriety Rocks – Who Knew! I credit Jolene Park, who coined the phrase, and I say:
There are at least 50 shades of grey, and none of them sexy!
I know this because I lived it. I did many of the things on that list. I questioned myself. I used alcohol to reduce stress. I planned to meet freinds an hour before the movie to hit the bar first, I tried to moderate. I tried to justify. And eventually, at the end of 2017 I chose to stop completely. I am incredibly grateful that it didn’t get any worse, that I didn’t have to hit rock bottom. My only regret is not quitting sooner.
Today, I’m free from alcohol, and I will never go back. But I was not an alcoholic. I was caught in the alcohol trap – a trap that millions fall into without ever fitting the clinical definition of addiction. I did not have an incurable illness, I had simply become addicted to an addictive substance.
Why This Distinction Matters
For some people, the word “alcoholic” is accurate and life‑saving. For others, it feels impossible to accept – because it isn’t their identity – and that can stop them from seeking help or making changes long before things become dangerous. We read a lot in the media about people hitting rock bottom, and its easy to sigh and think..’Thank God I am not that bad’ Thats why we need SO much more awareness of the fact that alcohol is addictive, that anyone can get caught in its murky web, but that we can quit before we go too far down the booze elevator. We also need more positive discussion around just how amazing life without alcohol is. When we quit there is nothing to ‘give up’ – we’re only gaining.
I kept my struggles secret for years because no one else was talking about it. Of course I had heard of people who were at rock bottom, that wasn’t me. All my freinds seemed to drink as much as I did, but they seemed OK. I figured it was just me. Even when I rocked up to a GP for a vitamin D test, and mentioned on the way out, that I was a bit worried about my drinking – the response was – ‘A few drinks a night? Sounds normal, just have water in between, and the odd alcohol free day’ That kept me stuck for another few years.
Actually its not ‘normal’ I know now that even one glass is harmful, and just because its legal and ‘everywhere’ doesn’t make it OK. How crazy is it that:
‘Alcohol is the only drug we have to justify NOT taking’ Jason Vale
But if I had been told I had to identify as an alcoholic in order to change, I would never have taken the first step. Rehab or AA would not have been the right path for me. And I know many people who feel the same. When I heard the term ‘sober curious’ and read about people who were just like me – holding it all together but worried about their drinking, never driving under the influence, but crossing their fingers that their son wouldn’t need picking up at midnight – never missing a day of work, but waking at 3am wondering what the hell I was doing…I felt SO relieved – I was not the only one!
That’s why I believe we need more nuance, not less.
Not to diminish anyone’s experience. Not to argue with anyone’s recovery. But to make space for the millions of people who are struggling quietly, functioning well, and sensing that life could be better without alcohol, yet who don’t resonate with the label “alcoholic.”
There Is a Middle Ground
As a sober life coach, who also trains others to be coaches, I work specifically with people who are not clinically dependent. We are careful, boundaried, responsible, and always mindful of ethics and safety. We don’t work with anyone who needs medical support. We work with people who are stuck in patterns that feel painful, confusing, or exhausting – long before they reach a crisis point.
These people deserve support too. They deserve hope. They deserve to know that change is possible without waiting for rock bottom. And they deserve to know that they are not broken, not ‘diseased’, not powerless. They simply got caught in a cycle that alcohol is designed to create. We support them to create a life they don’t need to escape from.
A Shared Goal: Helping People Find Freedom
The author of the Daily Mail article and I may use different language, but ultimately, we want the same thing: for people to recognise when alcohol is taking more than it gives, and to know that they can reclaim their lives.
We definitely need more conversations, perspectives that includes all the shades of struggle, all the paths to freedom, and all the people who deserve to know that change is possible, no matter where they are on the spectrum.
If you want support, connection, inspiration join us in The Sober Club, if you’ve quit alcohol and would like to support grey area drinkers – check out the Sober Club Accredited Coach Training www.thesoberclub.com